I’ve never been confident. Whether I was 8, 18, 38 or 53 – I’ve always felt “inferior” to others. Added to that I was fat. Not overweight as some people call it. Overweight is when you’re bigger than you should be but everything seems to fit better even in larger clothing. Fat just means that no matter what you wear everything seems to hang out.
“Inferior” is the wrong word to have used because I wasn’t inferior, in fact I am very good at my jobs as a receptionist, administrator but most of the staff and management are men and trust me when I say “men are babies” when it comes to office work. I spend my life doing everything for them and when they say “you’re amazing” I always reply “I’m a mum, I have to be”.
But I digress. Confidence has always been hard for me, I never really felt comfortable in my own skin until I finally found the courage to go to Weight Watchers. I picked Weight Watchers because it’s the way in which they mix losing weight with regular every day people who have regular every day lives.
I’ve now been on it for 28 weeks and have lost 10 kilos. I should be happy and I am but I still have another 12 to lose and the last 12 are always the hardest because you have to try that little bit more.
Recently I went out and purchased three new shirts in a size 18 – now I have been fitting into a size 18 without any problems, however, two of the three seemed a little small but hey, thought I’d wear one to work. Problem? Felt uncomfortable pulling it down a lot and while it fit it fit a little too tight. Like I said, my confidence is not great but I had to get through the rest of the day in this shirt.
By about 3.00 pm one of the ladies, a staff member visiting the site, stopped by my desk. Now this woman is at least 6 foot tall and big build but attractive – (overweight if it must be called that). We started talking and I excitedly told her of my progress with weight watchers. She kindly asked “How much have you lost so far” and I enthusiastically said “10 kilos”. This is where the boom was lowered. When you hear the words “No offence but you don’t look it.” Your brain goes numb.
Now here am I, not great confidence, have lost 10 kilos but still have another 12 to lose, in a shirt that was just that little bit too tight. I am not one of those people who can give a smart answer, in fact, if I did have an answer I usually figure it out 3 weeks later in the middle of the night but to say that I was “gutted” was an understatement.
How dare she! First of all I do look like I’ve at least lost weight. My double chin is gone!! Second “no offence” means there is about to be an offence but she can’t help herself and third – she can talk!!!! She wears at least a size 20!!!!!
As you can imagine I may NEVER wear that shirt again, luckily it wasn’t a lot of money but that’s not the point. When you are fat you try like crazy to blend into the background but I was out there doing something about it, actually I am out here doing something about it but it’s people like her that make you want to scream.
I wish I had the money to do LITE N EASY and get the meals brought to me but that would defeat the purpose of doing it yourself. What happens when the money runs out and you have to make your own meals – you’re not going to make them exactly like the dishes that are specially made in the right size. I wish I had the money to hire a personal trainer so I wouldn’t have to be seen in a gym but no! I’m an average woman who just wants to look better for herself and be able to buy clothes that don’t look like I bought them in an “old ladies” store that don’t like fat people and choose the worst material, for the worst clothes in the worst shape.
I want to be able to walk into any trendy store and buy something off the rack and know that it will fit me without trying it on. Trying on clothes in those ladies dressing rooms is also a chore in itself – the mirrors are so close to your body and truly enlarge your shape in different ways that when you put something on to admire and you have had to take off jeans, a top, your shoes etc and hate what it looks like only to have to put all your clothes back on again and skulk out of the dressing room returning all the clothes to the hangers then you know that it’s hard but you’re not alone and not alone means that there are others like us who feel the same way.
is a state of mind and I’m confidence in my own space at work but confidence has t
o transcend this and cover you from morning to night – confidence has to be achieved when you feel good about yourself and I am feeling good. I am making an effort to improve my look, my attitude and also I’m making the effort to improve my mind by doing courses that will help achieve something I’ve never done before. Don’t know what that is as yet but I know I’m making an effort. How many of us can say that and be proud of those words.
This colleague will eat her words in the end and in some ways I’m grateful to realise that I’m stronger than I thought and while her words hurt and I will never wear that shirt again (not unless I lose those other 12 kilos) I know I will achieve my goal. Whether my confidence improves is also up to me but one step at a time. One meeting a week, one day at a time, one meal at a time, it’s not easy but “life was never meant to be easy” and I’m living my life.