I’m sitting up in bed at 9.00 pm at night – I can’t believe I’m in bed but I’ve just had a family BBQ for my son’s 21st which included about 13 people. I’m exhausted. Is this where my life is going? Up early on a weekend, working my arse off all day and then falling into bed at 9.00 pm at night? I’m made of tougher stuff than that. Well so I thought until now. I was asleep on the couch at 6.30 till my son came home and told me to go to bed.
I don’t want to be this person who can’t handle a little extra work. Maybe it was the stress of the family being over here and making sure the house looked “presentable” – my mother’s house is immaculate and always has been even when she was working. However, she is a bonafide clean freak which I am not (thank heavens). If you just finish a cup of tea and go back to get another one you can be sure your cup is already in the dishwasher, this is how she lives, and now she gets bored at 9.00 in the morning. Retirement certainly takes it out of you.
I never want to be like that. I have so many things I would like to do and yes, cleaning my house to a presentable stage is one thing but I’m more than that. I love to write (so my 60 odd blogs attest to) but I haven’t been able to get a grip on my writing for some time. It’s as if I’ve lost the passion for it all. Although I have ideas I haven’t sat down at a desk and just written for the sake of it and I’m not happy that this is happening. Focusing on my writing has always been something to fall back on when I don’t have any thing else to do and I have a lot of time now that my husband and I are no longer together. It’s been two years and I don’t miss him in the slightest and yet it seems that he’s taken away from me the thing that I truly love – my love of writing. Obviously it’s me that’s given up rather than him taking it away but as my writing involved a lot of ROMANCE then I guess I blame him for making it difficult to write something I no longer have.
What’s even stranger is that there was no real passion in our marriage and as for being a romantic – well he didn’t have a romantic bone in his body but I guess that a relationship of any kind was something I was comfortable in and could at least “dream” of a “greater love” even if I didn’t have it myself. Now, not having a relationship makes me not only sad, but I have lost the will to appreciate romance of any kind.
No blame can be made towards my husband as it all comes back to me. But while I’m happy and don’t hardly think of him it seems that I’ve lost so much more. I need to get back to focusing on me and what I want out of life. Too often I’m worried about everyone else both family and at work – if I could just find something to be passionate about again with my writing then maybe I could write.
Until then I will have to be satisfied (and so should you all) with my blogs – as boring as this one is it has given me something to think about and this is the reason why I love to write – making me question even the littlest thing means that I am at least doing something.