OR is it hurting AND helping me.
I write because I love it – I can purge all my bad thoughts and by the end of the “screaming match” in my brain and coming out of my fingers I feel a lot better for it but does putting this out there into cyber space really free me of all my problems?
Strangely enough the answer for me is YES. A resounding YES. Why? Because no one reads my blog. Well maybe a few if I invite them but basically this is me standing alone and screaming at the top of my lungs. I’d like to think that the people who actually do read it take it in and even get something out of it for themselves and maybe they feel better after reading my words but actually this isn’t for them.
I’ve had a great life! And now I’m starting another one and it’s great! I started this blog AFTER my husband left and I learned a bit about him I didn’t like but frankly I knew we weren’t going to grow old together and I certainly didn’t want to stay around a man who was miserable ALL THE TIME. He was bringing me down to his level and I had nothing to do with how he was feeling. Yes he was depressed but that was his choice. He could have found a way to address our marriage in a way that suited him. I was more “resigned” and “comfortable” with my life. I didn’t need anything else and didn’t want for anything so why should I change our living arrangements? I had weathered the storms of money and work over the years and I deserved to have the things that made me happy but obviously he wasn’t happy.
Finally, after a good year he made a move and my life didn’t change. It still hasn’t changed. I am an individual. I am a loner. I don’t need much to make me happy. A good book. A good movie. A good TV Show. Great kids. A roof over my head and a life that is my decision.
People might not agree with it especially my being “alone” a great deal but I don’t need to be entertained, I am quite comfortable in my own skin and frankly I feel for the people who depend on others to make it through their life. If they can’t be alone with themselves and their thoughts then they’re the ones missing out.
I’m not a traveller, in fact, I don’t like holidays, I love work just as long as it keeps my brain moving along at an even pace, a challenge is something I always look for and while I’m not getting that at work at the moment I am working on my self esteem to improve that and maybe even move on so that I can get the challenges that I deserve.
As a young woman my mother always thought that I would be sitting in front of a television alone for the rest of my life. I surprised her by marrying a man and having two wonderful kids and now 25 years later while I still enjoy television I think I have the foresight to see things in a different vein but I have ended up alone but I’m not lonely. There is a difference and for that reason alone I think that this blog has hurt AND helped me.
I spend quite a bit of time telling people to “write down” their thoughts and get them out of their system. A friend I know, and she knows who she is, is not making that leap as yet. I want her to write out her problems in her own blog and realise that releasing them out into the world doesn’t hurt or hinder her development but gives her a peace that she would not normally have.
I started this blog with a few words in my mind – hurting – helping and I’ve now written so much but can admit that I feel better for it. My fingers have written things that I have been thinking about for so long but couldn’t quite get out onto the keyboard and here I am now, paragraph after paragraph and guess what I have a smile on my face. Yes I did it! I won the battle today. Sure I have a whole lot more to say and I shall continue to say it but today I was able to share a little more of myself and know that I achieved one more thing in my life and for that I am truly grateful.
I just hope you all get the opportunity to reveal your feelings out into the cyber world and release frustrating, love, fear and all those emotions that hold you back from what you want because right now I know what I want and I have it. I have a sense of self that I didn’t think I’d ever achieve and I feel great.
My name is Kris and I thank you for reading.