Over the last couple of weeks I’ve kept a low profile because I’ve been bashing myself up alot in my mind. I drive home and think about my husband. I can’t even call him that any more. It’s been 6 months and I’ve seen him maybe three times and talked to him four times. We email if we have any information.
I’ve been thinking too much. Trying to decipher feelings that I don’t really have. I can’t seem to get through to myself that I’m OK. I’m a strong woman. I love my life. I love my job. My kids and I don’t need a mate.
So why do I keep over thinking things? Why do I wonder what he’s doing? Who he’s doing it with? I guess I’m a glutton for punishment. No! I’m not. I really really don’t care what he’s doing, in fact, I’m happy doing nothing and yet I keep going back and wondering.
They say there is no past and future just the present and I wish I could stay in that mode. I am reading alot more only to try and get back a piece of myself. Myself being a romantic. I love romance. I love reading it, writing it and watching it but because I am not in a relationship and mine ended after 23 years I feel like I’m not worthy to being a romantic again.
What drivvle? I wasn’t happy in my marriage. The only time I felt great was when I got hooked on a couple in a movie, or a series and wanted to know more and kept watching and appreciating how it was all written.
The written word means alot to me but seeing it in front of me makes me smile.
I need to smile more. I need to adjust my thoughts to appreciate that what I’m looking for may not exist for me but I am happy where I am today and my imagination can take me anywhere.
Appreciate life and life will appreciate me.