What do you fear?

I’ve spent my entire life afraid.  Afraid of what people think of me.  How I dress.  What I look like.  What I say.  And everything in between.

At the age of 57 I’m still afraid and I question, daily what is it that I fear?  I’m not a great talker – I can’t do jokes, they never come out like the first time I heard them.  I can’t tell a story because I’ve actually spoken most of it my head and then I start a conversation that no one can catch up to because I didn’t say the first part out loud.  I am terrible at those “one liners” – I think of the answer in the middle of the night when I go over it and over it in my head and I open my mouth and rubbish comes out – people pull me up on that one.

As a kid I wanted to wear a dress to “Free Dress Day” and people (friends) commented that it wasn’t really the norm and I ended up changing at lunchtime into my arty jeans that were purple and red to “fit in” with the other kids – I think I looked more ridiculous but they thought it was better for me to join the masses.

I don’t like to stand out – I think of “Princess Diaries” when she said “I aspire to be invisible and I’m good at it.”  I like to blend into the background but that is not normally the case for me.

I am a loner – I don’t have many friends but in a crowd, getting nervous means that I talk too much and get loud – very loud.  I attend a Weight Watchers meeting every single Saturday and I walk in saying “Good morning Ladies” very loudly because walking into a crowded room makes me uncomfortable so I try to bring comfort to all those around me and then the meeting starts and I always have something to say even though I promise myself I won’t say anything!  I can’t help it.   I make people laugh and by doing so it makes the meetings so much more tolerable (not necessarily enjoyable).

So why do I do it?  What makes me think it’s something people want to see and hear.

Why do I worry about what people think of me.  As Eleanor Roosevelt said “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realise they seldom do.”  This is so true because frankly, I don’t think about anyone but myself 95% of the time.  Sure I can’t believe that woman who just passed me wearing lycra black and she’s a size 20 is shocking but then I look at her and envy that she could leave the house looking like that and obviously doesn’t care what other people think of her.

Fear is a powerful thing and yet it’s a waste of time but I still can’t get over it.

My family are very judgmental and yet they do it out of love – does that truly make any sense?  My sister is a control freak  has to be (due to her circumstances) and now her daughter is very much the same but I feel so inferior in their presence and it makes me so uncomfortable that I really don’t want to spend time with them.  It’s hard to grasp that fact when I admire her so much and love that she is such a force who can deal with just about anything.  I am sure she has her own issues but I can’t seem to get over my own issues to be “equal”.    As always I fall back to Eleanor who says “No one can make your feel inferior without your consent”.  So why can’t I read those words and believe them?

So much thought went into this blog and yet I don’t seem to be able to read the words and put them into practice.  Why is fear a word in our dictionaries?  It’s a word that I really don’t like.

Life is meant to be lived and not feared – luckily I’m working on this and hopefully over time I will not fear as much of the rest of my life.

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Shopping and the Single (Singleminded) woman

I know I’m about to get very petty but I seem to have so many peeves when it comes to shopping I want to name, just a few.

My biggest problem is that I am single and when I go shopping I go alone.  I know some people don’t consider that a problem but when you go with a set ‘course’ and don’t like to deviate from it then you get yourself into so much trouble.

  • There’s the time I went to a book shop to find a colouring book.  OK, simple enough but I get to the section and there are three people standing there taking up the space.  The woman who is actually there looking for a colouring book, her daughter, aged 10 who is standing beside her playing a game on a mobile phone and then her husband who is there for no other reason but he wants to go shopping with his wife.  Hello??  It only needs one person to pick a book.  Get out of the way!!!!!!
  • Going up or down an escalator and you get to the end and you want to head off in the direction you are going but……. the people or person in front stops and looks around to see which way they want to go.  For heavens sake!!!  You’ve been on the escalator, surely you could have figured it out BEFORE you got off.
  • Going up or down an escalator and you get to the end and you want to get off BUT the group or person in front sees someone they know and they STOP!!!  Forgetting all the people behind them.  They don’t move off to an area where no one is walking they just stop and take a stand.  GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!!!
  • You’ve been standing in line to get to the checkout and there are four people in front of you.  Guess what?  All four of them are from the one family.  So they all go to the register together.  What?  They don’t allow anyone to buy something ON THEIR OWN!!  Stand off to the side and let someone else in if numerous registers are open at the same time.
  • Then there’s the trolley hoggers.  I just love it.  Sure if you’ve got groceries you don’t want to leave them in the car but go shopping FIRST and then go get your groceries before you go back to the car.  Or if you have bought items that could go in the car and they are large.. then take them back to the car and ditch the trolley but GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!!
  • The family who shops together, stays together and rather than walk in a single line they walk side by side, all FIVE OF THEM!!!  Seriously?  You don’t think anyone wants to get past you?

Shopping has always been fun for me and I even love to window shop but I seem to get behind the people who HOG THE WAY with either a trolley, a pram or an entire family.

Shops are small but when a trolley or pram comes in all bets are off – I just want to plough right through them or better yet, get the hell outta dodge.  Seriously people have no consideration for anyone else when it comes to shopping.  I only seem to go once a week but it’s becoming an “CHORE” rather than FUN.

Worse still, this coming Friday is the end of Term One here in Melbourne, which means that all kids are home only holidays for two weeks. OK so I don’t go shopping during the week but why do their parents insist on taking them on Saturday and Sunday when it’s my turn to go shopping?

Yes I’m becoming one of those people who complains about shopping but, in my eyes, I have every right to.  What do you think?

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Wow, two blogs in two days… I’m obviously on a role.

A week ago I had a conversation with a work colleague who claimed that when he took drugs he saw things so clearly and feels that drugs are not bad for you used in the right way.

I have been grappling with this ever since.

Now to be honest I’ve never smoked or taken drugs and I have a brother who used drugs excessively to the point of having a breakdown in his late 20s so I might be a little biased but I have never seen the necessity to take drugs.

Maybe in my younger years I wanted to lose weight and all those “diet pills” might have tempted me but I thought of my body and what I might do to it in the long run.

Today I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes type 2 (due to my weight) but I have been attending Weight Watchers who are teaching how to eat well, adopt a healthy lifestyle and accept that I can change.  I am now healthier than ever, my blood pressure and cholesterol is down and my diabetes is definitely under control.

Having said all that I have used my brain in ways that give me peace, I meditate and adopt a positive and refreshingly upbeat attitude to life – meaning?  I don’t need drugs to give me clarity, in fact, the clarity comes from my optimism and faith that I am the best me of my life and I can be and do anything I like in this world even at 57.

Drugs are an option when you feel that there is no other option available to you and it’s a shame that it took a drug to make him see clearly but see what?  He’s still stressed, he has a young child and hasn’t had a decent night’s sleep in two weeks, he is constantly sick and has, at times, looked like he hates his life.  If you hate it so much, change it!!  But don’t depend on drugs for clarity otherwise your “Senior years” might be tempered with drug induced hazes.

I do hope that by writing this blog someone has a chance to take stock and realise that you are able to be whoever you are with a positive attitude and supportive friends and family who love you enough to help you through any problems and that drugs aren’t the best option or answer.

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It’s amazing how stress, habit and worry are so intertwined

I have finally decided to take two days off from the stress and worry of work and suddenly here I get two totally different emails regarding worry and habit and I realise that all three are connected.

I am coming up to two years in my job.   A job I love – it’s a small commercial painting company but it has good bones and so many possibilities.  The problem is, however, money, there’s too much money going out (eg large tax bill) and not enough coming in so everyone is stressed and I worry, not because I might lose my job (although it is a consideration) but that I have to take the phone calls from the irate customers demanding their money. I don’t have a thick skin at all and that tends to weigh heavily on me.

Added to that I am finding my daily life is becoming habit forming – I get up at 6.10 am every morning, I feed the dog, have a shower, get dressed, get in the car and drive the same way to work every day.  Once at work I turn on the lights, the computer, fill the photocopier, the water tank, the coffee machine, put away the dry dishes and generally clean up and go back to my desk ready to read my emails and start work.  Going home I get in the car, prepare to sit in traffic for double the time it took me to get to work this morning and once home either go for a walk or started dinner or if I’m a little later I’ll start dinner and then go for a walk.  It’s all a bit boring.

Taking these two days off is encouraging me to stop trying so hard and just relax.  I drive to work and see people walking in the morning.  This morning that person walking was me. I was out in nature, walking around a couple of parks and a lake close to home.  I needed to get out and just relax.  Whenever I found myself thinking of work I have been able to tune into a song that I was listening to on my ipod and keep going.

Having said all that I haven’t just been sitting on my laurels, I have been thinking about what I do on a hourly, daily, weekly and even monthly basis and I am “re-learning” to do things a little different.

  1.  My bedroom was a complete and utter mess.  Being a writer I was always dragging books into my bedroom at night to either read or write and then they hung around under my bed or in my wardrobe and even take my ipad to bed with me – all the while not realising that my sleep habits were being interrupted.  So what did I do?  I finally made the decision to move all those books out of my bedroom and into the office.  Why I hadn’t done this years before I do not know but there I was removing all pieces of paper from my “sanctuary”.  I also decided that when I do go to bed I take one item with me, mainly the book I was writing right now and that was it.  I still have the television in my room but at this time it’s not something I can move.  I have learned to turn it off though and spend quality time on my writing.  When I finish and want to turn off the light I put my book under the bed so it cannot be seen.  I can’t tell you how lovely my room is looking right now and I’m even working on improving it’s ambiance.
  2. The kitchen was my next port of call.  Every single night I’d just leave the dishes in the sink or wash them and leave them on the sink or the oven to dry and go to bed.  No more.  I take the time to clean up all the areas of my open plan living kitchen, family, dining area.  I don’t want to get up and have to clean and I don’t understand why I haven’t done this from the beginning.  I don’t like the look of mess and yet mess keeps appearing.  Why?  Because I tell myself I haven’t got enough time or worse yet I’ve become quite lazy and I don’t want to be considered that kind of person.

So here I am two habits down and while there are still days I let things creep in I am determined to win this one and create a habit (which I believe can take up to 3 months before it can be achieved) that is worthwhile and decluttering my life.

By just doing these two things my worry has dissipated quite considerably and I am finding I have more time for my books and writing or typing or working on something that means more to me.

What it has also taught me is that I have to be aware NOW of what I am doing, where I am going and stop putting myself on “auto pilot” to get to places and do things that are detrimental to my life’s energy.  I am not a robot and don’t want to be considered one at all.  I love what I do and by changing my thoughts and habits maybe the thoughts and habits at work can change and we can look forward to a more prosperous future.

Anything can happen if you have a positive attitude and believe change is coming.

That’s my sermon for today and I hope at least one person takes something from this and makes a positive change in their life today as well.  Here’s hoping.

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Wow – Christmas and New Year is finally over.  It’s been so great to have two weeks off and then it’s also been terrible because I gained 1.2 kilos.  I walked almost every day and while my first week was way off (with so much chocolate in the house it was hard to stop) but by the second week all the sugary foods were moving out and I was getting back on track.  However, my biggest problem has always been portion control so I guess that needs a little more work in 2017.

I used to be a workaholic – and for years I found holidays to be an “interruption” to my work schedule but I don’t feel that way any more – must be getting too old.  I go back to work tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it.  I find this unusual too especially since this is my dream job but I’m not sure it is my dream anymore.  Don’t get me wrong I love the work and the place I work but some of the people are just so different and I’m finding myself worrying a little more than I should.  I really want to feel settled and that’s not the feeling I get when I think of work.  

I need to stop worrying for one.  Worrying only takes away the happiness.  I know tonight I won’t sleep very well and that alone will frustrate me and I really used to love Mondays;mainly because everyone else hated them – now I’m one of THOSE PEOPLE and I hate myself for it.

I have NEVER liked New Year’s Resolutions because, for me, they always fall flat but as the month of January is where we start I must find something to get passionate about and once I have that the rest of the year starts to fall into place.  

It’s 2017 and I’m going to be a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better mother and more kinder to myself.   I am an important part of my life and I need to acknowledge that fact and work on that accordingly.

I wish you all a PASSION FILLED 2017.  (Here are some quotes from my all time favourite person – Eleanor Roosevelt)aac98f5b6f4dea9a2e5bd0404a7b2bed eleanor-roosevelt-quotes-1 eleanor-roosevelt-quotes-5 enhanced-10737-1428077211-10

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2016 wasn’t so bad

02I’ve been reading around the traps that everyone is looking forward to 2017 and that it can “only get better” but no one seems to be mentioning that 2016 wasn’t so bad.  OK it might not have been great for some people but I don’t have anything to whinge or complain about.  My family are still fit and well and safe, my life is not boring (even if a few people would consider it so) and I’m healthy.  I can’t ask for more than that.

I had a good year and expect the next couple of years to be just the same.  Why?  Because I do.  I don’t expect much and appreciate everything I have and will be given.  I have read about people wanting more and being “pissed” when they don’t get it but why is it necessary to have more?  I have a roof over my head, food on my table, I can afford a mortgage and also groceries.  710_648414668506874_603563589_nI can afford little luxuries and definitely enjoy my time on my computer and the online community.  

So I shall finish 2016 with a big THANK YOU – thank you for taking care of me and my family.  THANK YOU for the new people in my life whether they be real or online and THANK YOU for just getting me through with a minimum of fuss.

I cannot ask for anything more and I wouldn’t want to.  

So just THANK YOU!5963_610264668997648_612680942_n

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Don’t know how I feel

Today is a weird day.  Why?  Because my ex-husband got remarried.   Under normal circumstances it wouldn’t worry me and frankly it didn’t until……. my children came home from the wedding and showed me the wedding pictures.

First of all – I’ve never seen the “new bride” and while she wasn’t much to look at I have to say wasn’t a fan of her dress.  A white bohemian number but it has nothing to do with me and I am not wearing it.

But then I saw the photos of the guests.  Sure his sisters and brother were there with their families but then I noticed “friends of ours” in attendance.  These are people that we lost touch with almost five years prior to our separation and yet here they were in attendance at his wedding.  Obviously he had “reconnected” with them after we split up.

Wow!  Am I being ungrateful right now or just petty?  I feel disappointed.  I guess it’s almost like they “Chose him over me” syndrome.  Silly I know.  If I wanted to I could have reached out to them myself and asked them over but being a “single woman” a lot of people are loathe to “meet up” again after a break up.

Being single is my choice – I have no ill feelings towards my ex but I feel like I’m the one being left out of the conversation.  What are they saying about me?  Who cares?  Well I guess I do right now.  Tomorrow might be a different story and it usually is but it’s almost like he gets the “happy ending” and I get what’s left over.

Gee I guess I’m talking myself INTO this right now.  My life is full and I’m extremely happy with the choices I have made.  I decided a long time ago (even before the divorce) that I could no longer live with someone in my life (except my kids of course) and when it happened it was a relief but…..on a day like today I begin to wonder WHAT IF…..

I guess it’s my day to talk myself into and out of anything as I sit alone writing on my blog.  I’m disappointed in myself right now – why?  Because I’m thinking about the What If, when I know it was the best decision for me and I am happy.  What more can I ask for?

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